Many Clients Hire Whoever Their Friends Use

Imagine a private chef named Teodora who cooks a Friday dinner every week for the Marches, a family on Larch Street. One Friday, a guest named Mrs. Quill asks Mrs. March who cooked, and Mrs. March gives her Teodora’s name.

The next week, two people get in touch with Teodora.

Mr. Dunn found Teodora’s website through a search. He asks for three sample menus and the names of two past clients he can call. He says he is talking to two other chefs as well, and he asks what sets her apart from them. Teodora sends the menus and answers his questions. Ten days later, he writes to say that he has hired one of the other chefs.

Mrs. Quill calls that same week. “You cook for the Marches on Friday nights,” she says. “Could you do the same for us?” She does not ask for a menu, and she does not ask about other chefs. She asks which nights Teodora has free and what a dinner costs. Teodora tells her, and Mrs. Quill books every other Thursday.

Teodora would cook the same dinners for either of them. What is different is the question each one asks her. Mr. Dunn wants to know which chef in the city is best for him. Mrs. Quill wants the chef her friends use, because having the same chef makes her one of them.

Many wealthy clients call the way Mrs. Quill calls. So instead of trying to impress a whole city, put your effort into one group of people who know each other. Then let them talk.

Wanting to belong is one of the strongest needs people have

In 1995, two researchers reviewed the research on belonging. They found that people make ties with others easily and hold on to the ties they have. They concluded that the need to belong is strong and basic, and that it affects how people feel and think.

Hiring the same chef as your friends is one small way to meet that need. When Mrs. Quill serves a dinner Teodora cooked, she is giving her guests what the Marches gave her. The choice also feels safe, because the Marches have already tried Teodora, and any other chef would be a stranger.

When a client like Mrs. Quill calls, little is left for you to share. Tell her whether you have room for her and what you charge.

Some wealthy clients pay more for what only their own kind recognize

Wealthy clients do not all want the same thing from a choice like this. In 2010, three researchers studied how people choose luxury products. They sorted buyers into four groups by how wealthy they were and how much they cared about status.

Two of the four groups were wealthy, and those two chose in opposite ways. Wealthy buyers who cared little about status wanted to be with their own kind. They paid more for luxury products with no obvious logo, which only people like them would recognize.

On the other hand, wealthy buyers who cared a lot about status chose products with logos that anyone would recognize. They wanted people with less money to see that they were not one of them.

The chef that one street uses is a bit like one of those products with no logo. Nobody outside Larch Street knows Teodora’s name, and most of the families on it do. So a client who wants to be with her own kind asks who else on the street you cook for. A client who wants to impress strangers asks a different question, such as where your work has been seen.

A tutoring agency’s phone rang when its clients spent time with other families

Tiffany Sorya founded Novel Education Group, an agency in Los Angeles that places private tutors with well-to-do families. She built her client base in the entertainment industry through word of mouth. A family that hires a tutor through her agency usually pays between $65,000 and $100,000 a year.

Then the pandemic scattered her clients, and many of them spent those months away from Los Angeles. The Wall Street Journal reported what happened next. Her clients spent time with other families whose children were taking their school classes from home. Sorya said that her phone started ringing, and within a few months her business doubled.

The calls came while her clients were talking with other families, and while other families were searching online for tutors. So look at where your clients meet other people like them. It might be a school, a club, or a town where they go every summer.

A dog walker’s first two or three clients told their friends to use “our person”

Susan Beauregard is a dog walker on the Upper West Side of New York. On a podcast about her business, she described how it grew. She started with one client. So she gave her business cards to the doormen and chatted with them.

“The cards would go out,” she said. “I would start to meet people. Those first 2 or 3 clients would refer me.”

She also described how those clients recommended her. They said something like, “We want you to use our person. She’s amazing.” She added a second sentence, one she said she takes for granted. “We trust her with our animals, in our home.”

Her clients did not say that she was different from other dog walkers. They told their friends to use the walker they used, and they called her “our person.”

So the sentence that brings the next client is often about belonging, and your clients say it for you. Your part is to give two or three people in one group a reason to say it.

Why selling your difference to a neighbor’s friend goes wrong

Imagine a family photographer named Hollis who takes the Lindgrens’ family photos at the park every October. Last fall, Mrs. Lindgren told Hollis that he could tell other families that he takes their photos.

In September, Mrs. Osei, who lives three doors from the Lindgrens, emails Hollis. “The Lindgrens’ photos are on their wall,” she writes, “and we’d like the same for our family.”

Hollis reads her email between two sessions and answers it the way he answers every inquiry. He pastes in his three packages and a link to his portfolio. He adds a paragraph on how his style differs from other photographers in town. “Have a look and compare,” he writes, “and let me know which package suits you.”

Mrs. Osei reads the three packages and cannot tell which one the Lindgrens had. She writes back a week later to say that she will think about it for next year. She does not book.

Hollis has answered a question Mrs. Osei did not ask. She did not want to compare photographers. She wanted what her neighbors have, and his reply asked her to start choosing from the beginning.

The cost is more than one session. When the next family on the street asks Mrs. Osei about Hollis, she says that it got complicated. That family calls someone else.

Hollis could have written, “What I do for the Lindgrens is a one-hour session at the park with 40 photos, and I can do the same for you. Is there anything different about your family I should plan for?” Then he could have given his price and two Saturdays in October.

So when a client asks for what her friends have, start from what her friends have. Leave out how you compare with other professionals, because her friends’ choice has already answered that question for her.

Naming the clients you work for is not dropping names

Telling a new client that you cook for the Marches can feel like dropping names. It can also feel like talking about a client behind her back.

Permission is what makes it all right. Name a client only when that client has given you permission to tell other people that you work for them. Mrs. Lindgren gave Hollis permission, so he can mention her. A client who has given permission expects her name to come up.

When a client has not given permission, say that you keep your clients’ names to yourself. For example, Teodora can say, “I don’t talk about the families I cook for. What do you have in mind for your dinners?” That answer also tells the caller that her own name will stay private.

The signs that a client wants the professional her friends use

One sign on its own does not tell you much. A few signs together are a good reason to guess that the client is choosing you because her friends did.

Here are the signs to listen for:

The client names a friend or neighbor you work for, often in her first message.
The client asks who else you work for on her street, at her school, or at her club. That question is the sign of a client who is hiring to belong.
The client asks for what her friend has, such as the same Friday dinner or the same Tuesday walks.
The client asks few questions about how you compare with other professionals. She asks about dates and your price instead.

Even with a few signs, you are still guessing. So let your guess shape your reply, and keep the guess to yourself.

How to become the professional one group of friends hires

When a new client gets in touch, listen for the signs. If the client does not say how she heard of you, ask. For example, a tutor can ask, “May I ask how you came to call me?”
If the client names a friend you work for, check whether that friend has given you permission to mention them. If so, start from what the friend has. For example, Teodora can say, “What I do for the Marches is a Friday dinner for eight. I shop that morning and leave the kitchen clean. Would you like the same, or is there something different about your household?”
If the friend has not given permission, keep the name to yourself and ask the same question. For example, “I don’t talk about the families I cook for. What do you have in mind for your dinners?”
Leave out how you compare with other professionals. Answer what the client asked, give your free dates and your price in full sentences, and stop there.
Choose one group of people who know each other, where one or two of them already hire you. It might be the families on one street, the parents in one class, or the members of one club. It might be a group of families who travel together. If you are not sure, start with the group your best client belongs to. Write down the names of the others in the group.
Finish each job for those first clients as you said you would, on the date and at the price you quoted. Then ask whether you may tell other people in the group that you work for them. For example, a dog walker can ask, “Would you mind if I tell other people in the building that I walk Juno?” Keep a note of who says yes.
Stay with that group until most of the people in it who need your kind of work hire you. Only then choose the next group. Three clients on one street are likely to bring you more new clients than 10 spread across a city. The three talk to each other, and the 10 do not.

Next: You will see why some clients choose a professional for what the choice says about their taste to people outside their circle.