The Greeting, the Question, the Joke, and the Gift

Imagine an event planner named Bettina Ruiz who meets Samira Kassab about a lunch for her mother’s 80th birthday. Mrs. Kassab and her husband, Anwar, moved from Amman 20 years ago. Her mother, Mrs. Nasr, lives with them. Mrs. Kassab’s email said, “My mother, Leila, turns 80 in May, and we would like a lunch for 40 at home.”

Mrs. Nasr is sitting in the front room when Bettina arrives. “You must be Leila!” Bettina says. “Happy almost-birthday.” Mrs. Nasr smiles and says nothing. Over coffee, Bettina asks Mr. Kassab what he does. He says that he has a few businesses, and he asks about the menu.

When they get to the cake, Bettina laughs. “Eighty candles! We’ll need the fire department on standby.” Mr. Kassab laughs politely. Mrs. Nasr looks at her daughter. Bettina has another meeting at three. She leaves with a page of notes. A week later, Mrs. Kassab writes that the family will keep the lunch small and do it themselves.

Suppose instead that Bettina greets Mrs. Nasr with “Good morning, Mrs. Nasr. Thank you for having me.” Over coffee, she asks about the lunch. She asks who is coming, and what Mrs. Nasr loves to eat. When they get to the cake, Mrs. Nasr says that at her age she would like the cake without the candles. The family laughs, and Bettina laughs with them.

Two weeks before the birthday, Bettina wants to send Mrs. Nasr flowers. She calls Mrs. Kassab first. “I’d like to send your mother flowers on the day. Is there anything she’d rather I avoid?” Mrs. Kassab says that her mother loves roses but has never liked lilies in the house. The Kassabs book Bettina for the lunch, and Mrs. Nasr’s roses arrive on the morning of her birthday.

Bettina was the same friendly planner both times. What changed was who went first. In the first version, Bettina went first three times. She used a first name that Mrs. Nasr had not given her. She asked Mr. Kassab about his work, and she made a joke about Mrs. Nasr’s age. In the second version, she let the family go first in each of those moments. Then she asked before the one gesture she could not wait on, the flowers.

So with a client from another culture, let the client go first in the ordinary moments of a visit. Where you cannot wait, as with a gift, ask someone who knows the household. Here is why these moments go wrong, and what each one looks like.

A misstep in these moments starts as a friendly habit

The course sorts the common missteps into four moments. The reason is that every service professional meets all four in the first weeks with a new client. They are the greeting, the questions, the jokes, and the gift.

In each moment, the misstep starts as a habit meant kindly. Bettina used Mrs. Nasr’s first name to be warm. She asked about Mr. Kassab’s work to show interest, and she joked to relax the room. That is why a misstep of this kind feels like doing your job well, and why being friendlier does not prevent one.

The course’s suggestion is to let the client go first, and its reason is simple. When the client goes first, they show you their own way before you act. Nobody has to correct anyone. The course already teaches that the client sets how formal a conversation is. The client also sets the pace as a relationship grows closer. With a client from another culture, the same rule covers the hand, the questions, and the jokes too.

A Florida broker tells Realtors to wait to be invited to use a first name

Trisha Roy is a broker in Gainesville, Florida, who teaches international real estate to other Realtors. She came to the US from India. In a training video for Florida Realtors, she talked about buyers from India, Japan, and Canada. All three countries, she said, “do business a bit more formally than people from the United States.”

Her own example of casual manners was an insurance agent who put his boots up on his desk. It cost him her business. In the same video, she gave Realtors a rule about names. With a Japanese customer, she said, do not use the first name “until you know them very well or they invite you to use it.” With buyers from India, she said, do not use it “until they give you permission.”

Roy was speaking about buyers from three countries, and the step to other clients is the course’s own. Here is the step. A first name is the casual choice, and the client is the one who offers it. Bettina took “Leila” from an email that Mrs. Kassab wrote about her mother. Mrs. Nasr had not offered it. So use a title and the surname until the client gives you a first name. Keep any title they use for themselves.

A New York photographer was paid with cash left on a table

Ghila Krajzman is a photographer in New York. For more than a decade, she has shot weddings and other celebrations for Orthodox Jewish families. In 2022, Religion News Service reported on how photographers work at weddings where men and women celebrate on separate sides. Krajzman respects a common Orthodox Jewish practice, which is to avoid contact with members of the opposite sex who are not family.

At one wedding, the shoot went fine. When it came time for her to be paid, the father of the bride “simply left a stack of cash on a table.” He did it, the report said, “to avoid the possibility of physical contact.”

The father of the bride found his own way to pay without touching anyone. A hand held out to him would have left him two choices. He could refuse it, or he could go against his own practice. The course’s suggestion is to let the client offer a hand first. If no hand comes, nod, smile, and say hello. The same goes for a hug or a hand on the arm. A client who wants none of them then never has to say so.

A New York broker warns against asking a buyer about work and money too soon

Angela Rapoport is a broker at the Corcoran Group in New York, and she is originally from Estonia. In 2012, The Real Deal asked brokers about the cultural missteps that can cost them a buyer from abroad. The magazine wrote that New York brokers commonly ask detailed financial questions early in a home search.

Rapoport said that habit can backfire with Russian buyers. At a first meeting, she said, they do not think it right to ask what someone does for a living. Nor do they think it right to ask how much they make. “If it’s a very corporate job, they may tell you upfront, but if a person is more entrepreneurial, they don’t like to discuss what they do or how much they earn,” she said.

The step from Russian buyers to other clients is the course’s own. Here is the step. A question about a client’s work or income is routine to the person asking. To the person answering, it can feel like prying. Mr. Kassab answered “a few businesses” and changed the subject, much like the entrepreneurs Rapoport describes.

“What do you do?” is already a question to leave out of small talk with any client. So in a first meeting, ask about the job you were hired for, and let the client bring up their own work. The budget for the job is a different question. It still belongs in the short check at the end of the meeting.

How highly people value humor differs between cultures

In 2019, Tonglin Jiang, Hao Li, and Yubo Hou reviewed the research on how culture shapes humor. In Western research, they found, a sense of humor is usually counted as a good trait. People who are funny are seen as more attractive and more capable.

In China, they found, attitudes toward humor are more mixed. In studies they cite, Chinese students rated themselves as less humorous than Canadian students did. Chinese participants also tended not to count humor as a desirable trait. Another study found that Chinese children tended to see humor as aggressive and bad for friendships. Canadian children tended to see it as a sign of a leader. The authors add that the findings on how often people use humor do not all agree.

Those findings describe whole societies, and the step to one client is the course’s own. Here is the step. A joke that relaxes one client may seem out of place, or even unkind, to another. Bettina’s joke about the candles was about Mrs. Nasr’s age, in front of her family, where a person’s standing was at stake.

So keep your jokes until the client has made one, and laugh at theirs. When you do joke, make it about yourself or the day. Leave the client, their age, their family, and where they come from out of it. That is the course’s suggestion. Once the client has joked, you know that jokes are welcome, and you have heard the kind they make.

A chief stewardess saw a birthday bouquet end a friendship

Kylie O’Brien has worked on superyachts for more than 13 years, including as chief stewardess. In 2021, she wrote in her column for Dockwalk about a gift she saw go wrong. An English stewardess gave a Ukrainian friend and colleague a bouquet of 30 flowers for her birthday. The crew thought the yellow flowers made the bouquet look fresh and fun.

The giver did not know that an even number of flowers, as O’Brien wrote, “is only reserved for funerals.” The colleague told the crew that yellow “is considered the color of separation.” The colleague took the bouquet as an insult, and as a sign that the crew wanted her off the yacht. She took her upset out on the friend who handed her the flowers, and their friendship ended.

After that, O’Brien made sure every bouquet had an odd number of flowers whenever a Ukrainian was on board. Her rule came after the damage was done. With a client, you can ask before the flowers go out.

A gift is the one moment where you cannot wait for the client to go first. So ask someone who knows the household, such as the person who booked you, a spouse, or an assistant. Ask about the gift, not about the client’s culture, so the question works for any household. The gift itself still comes from something the client once mentioned. The question only makes sure the gift does not say something you did not mean, as the yellow flowers did.

Why asking about every moment goes wrong

Imagine a personal stylist named Wren Castellano who has heard how easily these missteps happen. Mrs. Varga moved from Budapest 25 years ago, and she books Wren for an outfit for her husband’s retirement party. Wren has two more clients that afternoon, and she wants to get the first meeting right. So she starts with her questions.

“Before we begin, is it all right if I shake your hand? Should I call you Mrs. Varga? And are there colors that are unlucky in Hungary?” Mrs. Varga laughs a little. She says that a handshake is fine and that she would like to talk about the party. For the rest of the hour, Wren checks before each suggestion. Mrs. Varga hires the stylist her sister uses.

Wren’s mistake was turning every moment into a question, and naming Mrs. Varga’s country in one of them. Mrs. Varga spent the meeting teaching Wren how to treat her. She also came away feeling that Wren saw her above all as someone from Budapest. Three of the four moments need no question. You wait, and the client shows you. The version that works greets Mrs. Varga by her surname and takes the hand she offers. Then Wren asks about the party.

Letting the client go first is not being stiff

Many professionals win clients with warmth, and an early joke is part of it. Holding back the joke, the first name, and the handshake can feel cold.

The warmth moves into your attention. In the second version, Bettina asked what Mrs. Nasr loves to eat, and she laughed at Mrs. Nasr’s joke about the candles. That visit was warmer for Mrs. Nasr than the first. The wait is also short. Most clients show you the level they want in their first message or in the first minutes at the door.

How to avoid the common missteps with a new client

1. At the door, use the client’s title and surname, unless they have already given you a first name. Keep any title they use for themselves. For example, a music teacher meeting a student’s grandmother says, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Petrova.”
2. Let the client offer a hand first. If no hand comes, nod, smile, and say hello. Do not hug a client or touch their arm until the client does. For example, a private chef meeting the family in the kitchen keeps his hands at his sides until Mr. Haider reaches out.
3. In a first meeting, leave out questions about what the client does for a living and what they earn. Ask about the job you were hired for instead. For example, a specialist realtor can ask, “What should the next house have that this one doesn’t?”
4. Keep your jokes until the client has made one, and laugh at theirs. Leave out any joke about the client, their age, their family, or where they come from. For example, a dog walker whose client jokes that the dog runs the house can say, “He runs the walks too.”
5. Before you give a gift or send flowers, ask someone who knows the household, in private. Ask about the gift, not about the culture. For example, a tutor can ask a student’s father, “I’d like to bring your wife a plant for the new house. Is there anything she’d rather I avoid?”
6. Write each answer on the client’s page. Include the name the client gave you and any gift the household would rather not receive.

Next: You will see how to recover when a misstep happens anyway.