Formal or Casual, and How to Tell Which the Client Wants
Match what the client called you and how they signed, and you will sound right.
Imagine a home organizer named Marisol Vega who gets two inquiries in the same week. Both come from friends of a client named Anne. The first is from Mrs. Thackeray. “Dear Ms. Vega, Anne Pryor gave me your name. We move to a house on Linden Road in March and would like help setting up the kitchen and the children’s rooms. Would you have time in the second week of March? Kind regards, Eleanor Thackeray.”
The second is from Jen. “Hi Marisol! Anne gave me your name. We’re moving in March too and the kitchen is going to be chaos. Any chance you have a couple of days that month?? Thanks so much, Jen.”
Marisol writes to clients the way she talks, and she replies to both the same evening. “Hi Eleanor! Thanks so much for reaching out. March is wide open, so let’s find a couple of days that work. Can’t wait to see the house. Marisol.” Jen gets the same reply with her own name at the top, and she books two days in March.
Mrs. Thackeray reads hers twice. She wrote to Ms. Vega, and she signed with her full name, and the reply calls her Eleanor and says “can’t wait.” She writes back that she will be in touch. Then she asks Anne whether the organizer who did Anne’s pantry is still working. That organizer writes, “Dear Mrs. Thackeray,” and gets the job.
Nothing Marisol wrote was rude, and Jen liked it. What Mrs. Thackeray got was a name she had not given and a warmth she had not offered. She had shown Marisol, in four sentences, how she wanted to be written to, and the reply did not take the hint. The client sets the level, and your only job is to match it. Here is why that works, and how to tell which level a client has set.
People who match each other’s small words want to meet again
In 2011, Molly Ireland of the University of Texas and five colleagues published two studies in the journal Psychological Science. James Pennebaker was one of the five. The studies were about whether two people who talk alike want more of each other. The researchers did not count what the pairs talked about. They counted the small words, such as I, you, the, and of, that show how a person puts a sentence together.
In the first study, they recorded 40 speed dates. The pairs whose small words matched more closely were about three times as likely to both want to meet again. One in three of the closer-matched pairs did, against one in 11 of the rest. In the second, 86 couples handed over their instant messages. Three months later, three quarters of the closer-matched couples were still together, against about half of the others.
Those were speed daters and couples, and the step to a client is the course’s own. Here is the step. When the way you write comes back at the level a person set, nothing in your reply asks them to adjust. They do not have to decide whether to let you call them Eleanor. They do not have to work out why a friend’s friend writes like a bank. A reply at their level feels natural because it asks nothing of them. A reply at a different level asks the client to move toward you, and the moving is what they notice.
An email etiquette writer says the sign-off tells you when to relax
Judith, who gives only her first name, writes the email etiquette site Net Manners. In a post on names and titles, she gives the rule for a stranger. “If you do not know the contact well, always use the highest level of formality, Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr., etc., to start.” Then she says what to watch for. “You can tell when the other side is ready for a more relaxed tone by how they sign off their email or reply to you. Follow your contact’s lead, and you will never go wrong.”
She gives herself as the example of a name assumed. Some people who do not know her, she writes, “take a premature informal stance and address me as ‘Judy.’ I’m ‘Judith.’”
Her rule is for the person who writes first. For most service professionals the client writes first. By then the client has already placed you from a friend’s word and your website. So the sign-off she tells you to watch is already in your inbox. Mrs. Thackeray signed “Eleanor Thackeray.” Jen signed “Jen.” Each one told Marisol what to call her.
A household manager was told never to use the family’s first names
In 2023, Alison Green, who writes the site Ask a Manager, interviewed a reader. The reader had run the household staff for a wealthy family for about two years. She managed three full-time staff and up to six part-time across three properties. She also did the family’s hiring, shopping, and event planning.
Asked how the family lived alongside paid staff, she described the line the family drew. “We were not allowed to call them by their first names, we were only allowed to use the staff bathroom, I was allowed to use the front stairs but the housekeepers were not.” She also said that the arrangement is not the same everywhere. “How this looks is so, so different just based on the kind of people you’re working for.”
Her job was inside the house all day, and yours comes and goes. What carries over is who decided. The family set the level, down to the stairs, and the staff found it out and kept to it. A different family would have set a different one, which is why the level cannot be chosen before the client has spoken.
A nanny agency tells its nannies to open with Dear or Hello
Adventure Nannies, an agency that places nannies with families, published a guide in April 2025. It is for nannies writing to a family for the first time. “‘Dear’ or ‘Hello’ is always a safe bet,” it says. For the close, “‘Sincerely,’ ‘Best,’ or ‘Warmly,’ are great choices.” It tells nannies to “ditch the slang, emojis, and anything too casual,” and it says why the email matters. “A thoughtful, well-written email gives families a peek at your communication style, and your attention to detail.”
The guide is for the message a nanny sends before the family has written anything. Measured against this lesson, that is the one message where you choose. The agency chooses the formal end, as the Net Manners post does. After the family writes back, the family’s message is the guide. A mother who answers “Hi Priya, we’d love to meet you” has moved the level, and a second “Dear Mrs. Hale” from the nanny moves it back.
Wedding photographers are taught to mirror the couple’s energy
Atlanta Dahlia, writing for a photography studio in Richlands, North Carolina, tells wedding photographers how to answer a first inquiry. One of her rules is to mirror the couple’s energy. “If they wrote a long, excited paragraph about their floral-heavy garden wedding, respond with equal warmth and enthusiasm for those details.” Another is to use both partners’ names through the email, which she says “builds an immediate sense of familiarity and respect.”
Her rule is half of this lesson. Warmth is one part of the level a client sets, and the couple with the garden wedding set it high. The other part is the name and the greeting, and her rule does not mention them. A couple who wrote three excited sentences gets warmth back. A client who wrote “Dear Ms. Vega” in four plain sentences gets four plain sentences back, and the enthusiasm would be the mismatch.
The four signs, and what to send back
A client’s first message carries four signs of the level they want, and the table below shows each one at both ends. The rule for the reply comes after it.
| The sign | The formal end | The casual end |
|---|---|---|
| What they called you | “Ms. Vega” | “Marisol” |
| How they signed | “Eleanor Thackeray,” or “E. Thackeray” | “Jen,” or “Jen x” |
| The greeting and the close | “Dear” and “Kind regards” | “Hi” and “Thanks so much” |
| The sentences | “Would you have time in the second week of March?” | “Any chance you have a couple of days that month??” |
Send back the level you were sent. Call the client what they signed. A full name gets a title and the surname back, and “Jen” gets “Jen.” For the title, use the one your introducer used for her. When nobody has introduced you, use the one she used for you. Open and close the way they did, and write sentences shaped like theirs. The course’s reason is the one from the speed dates. A reply at the client’s level asks them to adjust nothing.
When the signs disagree, go by what they called you, because that is the choice they made for this message. A signature block with a full name and a job title comes with every email a person sends. “Hi Marisol” was typed for you. So “Hi Marisol” over “Katherine Holt” gets “Hi Katherine.”
What stays the same at either level is the care. The client judges your work by your reply. So Jen’s name is spelled right, her question is answered, and every sentence is a full one. Matching Jen’s level means “Hi Jen” and “Thanks so much,” and one exclamation mark if she used them. It does not mean her doubled question mark.
In person, the signs are what the client calls you and what they call themselves. A client who says “I’m Eleanor” at the door has moved the level, and so has one who says “Please, call me Eleanor.” From then on she is Eleanor, in writing too. A client who introduces herself as Mrs. Thackeray and calls you Ms. Vega has kept it, and you keep it with her.
Why deciding that upmarket means formal goes wrong
Imagine a coach named Desmond who has read that a lawyer’s words put him in a lawyer’s company. He decides that wealthy clients want to be written to formally. A founder, Pete Lindqvist, writes to him after a dinner where they met. “Hey Desmond, great to meet you last night. I’d like to talk about the next year. Got time Thursday? Pete.”
Desmond replies the next morning. “Dear Mr. Lindqvist, thank you for your message, and for your company at dinner. I would be glad to discuss your plans for the coming year. Thursday at 10 a.m. would suit me well. Yours sincerely, Desmond Achebe.”
Pete reads it on his phone and laughs. He tells his wife that the coach he liked at dinner writes like his bank. He meets Desmond on Thursday, and the meeting is stiff from the first minute. Pete is unsure which man he is talking to. He hires a coach a colleague uses instead.
Desmond chose a level and applied it to every client, and that is the same mistake Marisol made in the other direction. Pete had set the level in 20 words. “Hey Desmond” at the top, a question for the last sentence, and a first name at the bottom with nothing before it. The reply that matches it is short. “Hi Pete, good to meet you too. Thursday works. Does 10 at my office suit you? Desmond.”
Writing “Hi Jen” to a wealthy client is not presuming
Using a wealthy client’s first name in the second message can feel like taking a liberty, with someone who could hire anyone.
The liberty is the name the client did not give. Judith’s complaint was “Judy,” from people who had not been told to use it. Jen signed “Jen” and wrote “Hi Marisol,” so “Hi Jen” is the name she gave. Anything more formal tells her that her message was not taken as she meant it. Mrs. Thackeray was not put off by friendliness. She was called Eleanor by someone she had addressed as Ms. Vega. Following the client’s level is manners. Choosing a level for them is the presumption, at either end.
How to match the level a client has set
- Before you reply to a new client, look through their message for the four signs. They are what they called you, how they signed, how they opened and closed, and how their sentences are built. Write the four down together, for example, “Ms. Vega, Eleanor Thackeray, Dear and Kind regards, full sentences.”
- Call the client what they signed, with a title and the surname where they signed a full name. For example, a tutor who was written to as “Ms. Rao” by “Catherine Oyelaran” opens, “Dear Ms. Oyelaran.” A tutor who was written to as “Anita” by “Cat” opens, “Hi Cat.”
- Open and close at the same level as the client, and shape your sentences like theirs. For example, a dog walker answering “Hi Sam! Any chance you walk on Linden Road?” writes, “Hi Jen, I do, on weekday mornings. I have a place from the 9th. Thanks, Sam.” A dog walker answering “Dear Mr. Okafor, I am looking for a walker for weekday mornings” writes, “Dear Mrs. Hale, thank you for your note. I walk on Linden Road on weekday mornings, and I have a place from the 9th. Kind regards, Sam Okafor.”
- When the signs disagree, follow what they called you, and leave the signature block out of it.
- Keep the care at both levels. Spell the name right, answer every question the client asked, and write full sentences. Match one exclamation mark if the client used them. Leave the doubled question marks and the emojis to the client.
- When you write first, because someone has introduced you or an assistant has asked you to write, start at the formal end. Open with “Dear” and the surname, and sign your full name. Then take the level from the reply, and stay there until the client moves it.
- In person, say your name the way you want it used, and call the client what they called themselves. When a client says “Call me Eleanor,” do, in writing too, and write it on the client’s page so that you do not slip back.
Next: You will see why ordinary small talk falls flat with people who have heard it too often, and what works instead.