Standing, Face, and Who Decides

Imagine a photographer named Corinne Abbott who takes family portraits in clients’ homes. Leila Rahman books her for a portrait of three generations, for her father’s 80th birthday. Leila’s parents moved to the US 40 years ago, and they live with her family now. Leila is paying, and she sends Corinne a few photos she likes, mostly loose and outdoors.

At the planning visit, the whole family is in the kitchen. Mr. Rahman says that he would like the portrait in the front room, with him and his wife seated in the middle. Corinne has another visit in an hour, and the front room is dark. “The light’s much better in the garden room,” she says, “and seated portraits can look a bit stiff. Leila and I were thinking of something more relaxed.”

Mr. Rahman says nothing more. Leila looks at her father and says nothing either. Corinne takes the quiet as a yes and plans the garden room. Two days later, Leila writes, “My parents would rather wait until the spring.” In April, Corinne sees the Rahmans’ portrait on another photographer’s page. It was taken in the front room, with Mr. and Mrs. Rahman seated in the middle.

Suppose instead that Corinne asks one more question when Leila books. “Who else will want a say in how the portrait looks?” Leila says, “My father. It’s his birthday, and he’ll have views.”

At the planning visit, Corinne asks Mr. Rahman where he would like the portrait taken. He says the front room, seated in the middle with his wife. “Then we’ll start there,” Corinne says. That evening, she calls Leila. “I’ll bring extra lights for the front room. Would your father be open to a few photos in the garden room afterward, while the light is still good?” Leila asks him, and he says yes to a few. The Rahmans order a large print of the front-room portrait and an album of the garden photos.

Corinne took the same kind of photos in the same house both times. What changed was whose say she counted and where she disagreed. In the first version, she corrected Mr. Rahman in front of his family. She also put his daughter on her side against him. Then she took two silences as a yes. Mr. Rahman’s quiet was a no he did not want to say in front of everyone. Leila’s quiet was respect for her father. In the second version, Corinne asked whose say counted, agreed in the room, and raised her own idea in private.

So find out early whose say counts in a family. Never correct anyone in front of the others, and do not take a quiet room as a yes. Here is what standing, face, and who decides mean in practice, and what each one changes.

Standing, who decides, and face are three parts of the same room

You could see all three in the Rahmans’ kitchen.

Standing is a person’s place in the family. Age, being a parent, and paying for the work can each give someone standing. Mr. Rahman had his standing as the father and the person whose birthday it was.

Who decides is about how a decision moves between those people. In some families, the person who calls you gathers the facts, and the decision goes to someone more senior. Leila booked and paid, and the say on the portrait was still her father’s.

Face is the respect a person has in front of other people. Nobody wants to lose it, and many people work hard not to cost someone else theirs. Corinne cost Mr. Rahman some of his face when she corrected him in front of his family.

How much these matter differs from one society to another

Geert Hofstede worked from a survey of IBM employees in more than 50 countries. In a 2011 article, he set out six ways in which national cultures differ, and what research has linked to each one. One is how far the people with less power in a family or a firm accept that power is shared unequally. Where that acceptance is high, parents tend to teach children to obey, and older people are both respected and feared. Where it is low, parents tend to treat children as equals, and people lower down expect to be consulted.

A second difference is how closely people are tied to a group, often an extended family. In the more group-centered societies, keeping the peace comes first, and people tend to settle their opinions within the group. In the more individual ones, saying what you think is seen as healthy. Each person is expected to have their own view.

Hofstede added a warning that matters here. His descriptions are of the extremes, and the link between any one of them and a culture is statistical, never absolute. They describe a society, not the person in front of you. So the step to a family is the course’s own. His findings tell you what to look out for, and the family tells you which of them apply.

Concern for someone else’s face changes how people disagree

In 2003, John Oetzel and Stella Ting-Toomey asked 768 people in China, Germany, Japan, and the US about a conflict with someone. They wanted to know whether concern for face explains why culture shapes how people handle a disagreement. People who cared most about their own face tended to push for their own view. People who cared about the other person’s face tended to avoid the disagreement. Or they looked for an answer that suited both sides. Whether a culture was more group-centered or more individual affected which way people went.

Here is what that means in a client’s home, and the step is the course’s own. When you contradict someone in front of their family, you put their face at stake. A person who wants to spare the face of everyone present may not argue back. They may simply go quiet, as Mr. Rahman did.

A quiet person in a family may be showing respect, or holding back a no

A quiet client is usually thinking, and you let the quiet run. In a family where standing and face count for a lot, the quiet can mean more than that. That step, too, is the course’s own, from the two studies above.

A younger person may say nothing in front of a parent, because the decision is the parent’s. A senior person may say nothing because arguing would cost someone face. In either case, the quiet is not a yes. So let it run, as you would with any client. Then find out what it meant afterward, in private, where no one’s standing is at stake.

A wedding planner found that the mother of the bride was the main client

Rima Shah is a certified wedding planner who specializes in South Asian weddings. In October 2025, she told the Wedding Planner Society podcast about a couple who said at the start, “it’s just us planning.” As the planning went on, the mother of the bride became “the main client at the end of the day,” Shah said.

The couple had one big request, a decor piece for one of the events. Almost everything else was the mother’s ideas, and she did not like the piece. Shah had a separate phone call with the mother. She asked why the mother did not like it, or what she would want instead.

Then Shah explained what the piece would add to the design and to the photos and video. She also gave the mother credit. “Mom, everything is your design, which we love,” she said. She told the mother that the piece was the one request the couple had talked about since the start. The mother agreed. “That is the only thing that they’ve asked for. We’ll do it,” she said. Afterward, the mother told Shah that she was glad of it, because there was no exit sign behind the couple’s heads.

Measured against this lesson, Shah made three choices. She took the disagreement to a private call, where the mother could change her mind without anyone watching. She asked for the mother’s reasons before she gave her own. She also named what was the mother’s, which was nearly all of the design.

A wedding planner let the groom’s father talk until his real concern came out

Shah told the same podcast about a second family. The groom’s parents were not paying as much. The bride’s parents and the couple had asked Shah not to add them to conversations. At the final site visit, the groom said that his father had a concern and wanted to talk about it. His parents joined by conference call. The bride’s parents were in the room, and they warned Shah not to agree to anything.

“I just let the groom’s dad talk,” Shah said. She told him, “We’re all here together. What’s up? What’s on your mind?” He went through a list. Shah listened until she heard what he kept coming back to, which was the wedding favors and who would hand them out.

She called him “Uncle” and told him that the favors were a non-issue. He could tell her who should hand them out, and when, as they went over the ceremony with the priest. Afterward, the father of the bride told her, “you’re a really good listener.”

Measured against this lesson, the groom’s father had been kept out of most of the planning. He still had his standing as a father and an elder in the family. Shah gave him the floor in front of both families and let him finish. Then she agreed to what she could, in the room. Nobody lost face, and his concern was settled on that call.

A Manhattan broker’s search answered to the mother who backed the lease

Jai Lee is a broker at Mdrn. Residential. In 2017, the website Brick Underground asked brokers about superstitions that had killed a deal. Lee described a young couple she helped early in her career. They were looking for a rental in Manhattan.

The woman’s mother was involved, because she would guarantee the apartment. She wanted an apartment that would be “feng shui-ready.” The way it faced, the flow of the layout, and the letters and numbers in the address all “had to meet certain rules.” It was December, and few apartments were on the market. The couple moved into the boyfriend’s family townhouse on the Upper West Side instead.

The couple were the clients Lee saw. The rules that decided the search were the mother’s, because the mother was backing the lease. When someone else pays, their say may count for more than the say of the person in front of you. That is why the question about who else has a say belongs at the start. Then you know whose rules the work has to meet before you begin.

Why treating every family from a culture the same way goes wrong

Imagine a travel adviser named Imogen Clarke who plans family trips. Mina Farahani books a safari for three generations: her parents, her husband, and their two children. Mina’s parents moved to the US from Tehran 40 years ago. Imogen has read that in many families, the eldest person decides. At the first meeting, she addresses each question to Mina’s father, and she sends him the draft plan.

Mina’s father passes every question back to Mina. “It’s her trip,” he says. “She’s planned it for a year.” Mina is paying, and she has done all the research. A week later, she writes that the family has decided to book with someone else.

Imogen’s mistake was treating a pattern as a fact about this family. Hofstede’s own warning was that his descriptions are statistical, never absolute. Shah said much the same of the parents she works with, who want to feel heard. “It’s like every parent, right?” she said. Then she added that “culture does play a huge role.”

The version that works asks Mina on the first call who else will want a say, and takes her answer. Mina says that the trip is hers, so Imogen treats her as the client. At the meeting, Imogen still asks Mina’s father what he would most like to see.

Giving an elder credit is not flattery

Shah’s own words for the call with the mother were that she had to “sweeten her up a little bit.” Many professionals would feel uneasy doing that. It can sound like buttering up a client to get your way.

The credit Shah gave was true. Apart from the one decor piece, the design was the mother’s ideas, and Shah said so. She said it in a private call, so the mother could agree without losing face in front of anyone. Credit that is not true is flattery, so name only what is the person’s own.

How to find who decides, and protect standing and face

1. On the first call, ask who else will want a say, as you would with any household. Shah asks the couple which family members will take an active role in the planning. For example, a home organizer can ask, “Is anyone else in the family going to want a say in how the house is set up?” Write the answer on the page you keep on the client.
2. Through the person who booked, invite the people who have a say to an early call. Then they hear the plan from you. Shah has them sit in on her first welcome call. For example, a tutor can say, “Your parents are welcome to join our first call, if they’d like to hear the plan.”
3. When someone senior speaks, ask them an open question and let them finish before you answer. For example, a private chef can ask the grandmother, “What would you like your guests to eat that night?”
4. Never correct or contradict anyone in front of their family. In the room, agree to what you can. For example, a personal trainer can say to a client’s father, “Then we’ll start with walking, the way you’d like.”
5. Raise any disagreement afterward, in private, with the person you have been dealing with. Ask for their reasons first, then give yours, and give them credit for what is theirs. For example, a specialist realtor can say, “Your father’s list is the right one for the family. Would he be open to one house with a smaller garden, since it’s ten minutes from the school?”
6. Do not take a quiet person’s silence as a yes. After the meeting, ask the person who booked, in private, whether everyone is happy with the plan. Ask it so they can answer without contradicting anyone. For example, a caterer can ask, “Is there anything your parents would like done differently? It’s easier to change now than on the day.”

Next: You will see what Western defaults get wrong, from being direct to looking a client in the eye.