How a Wealthy Household Decides

Imagine a caterer named Teodora Vance who cooks dinners for 20 to 60 guests in people’s homes. In April, Mrs. Halloran calls her. She and her husband have their 30th anniversary in June, and she wants a dinner for 40 at the house. Her daughter, Nell, found Teodora’s name through a friend.

Teodora books a tasting in her own kitchen for the next Saturday, and all three Hallorans come. Mrs. Halloran and Nell try every dish and talk about the guest list. Mr. Halloran eats, nods, and says little. Once, he asks how many people would be in the house that day. “Four people, from lunch until the end of the evening,” Teodora says. Then she turns back to the menu with Mrs. Halloran.

At the door, Mrs. Halloran says, “This is exactly what we wanted.” In the car, Mr. Halloran says that having four strangers in his kitchen all day is not his idea of an anniversary. He would rather take the guests to the club. Nell argues for the dinner at home, and Mrs. Halloran does not want an argument about her own anniversary. Two days later, she writes to Teodora that they have decided on something simpler.

Suppose instead that Teodora asks Mrs. Halloran two questions on the first call. “What got you thinking about a dinner at home?” Mrs. Halloran says it was her idea, and that her husband is not one for parties in the house. “Has anyone else been looking at caterers?” Nell has, and Nell sent her mother three names.

At the tasting, Teodora sees that Mr. Halloran is quiet. Halfway through, she asks him, “Mr. Halloran, what would make the day right for you?” He says that he does not want the house taken over from lunchtime on. Teodora says, “Then we’d arrive at four, with two people in the kitchen, and be gone by eleven. The garden is yours until the guests come.” He nods. In the car, he says, “She’s thought about it.” Mrs. Halloran books the dinner the next morning.

Teodora cooked the same food both times. What changed was what she knew about the household. Mrs. Halloran wanted the dinner and made the call. Nell did the looking. Mr. Halloran was the one who could quietly say no, and in the first version he said it in the car. Here is how a household shares out a decision, and how to learn who plays each part.

Different people can lead different stages of a household’s decision

In 1974, the marketing researchers Harry Davis and Benny Rigaux published a study of Belgian couples in the Journal of Consumer Research. They asked both the husband and the wife about 25 kinds of household decisions. For each one, they asked how much each partner influenced three stages. The first stage was noticing the need. The second was looking for information, and the third was the decision to buy.

The share each partner had could change from one stage to the next. So in one household, one partner might notice a need, and the other might do most of the looking.

Those were Belgian couples in the 1970s, and the step to your clients is the course’s own. Here is the step. A household that hires you passes through the same stages, and a different person can lead each one. The course makes two changes to the three stages. First, you usually hear from a household through one person’s call or email. So the person who calls gets a part of their own. Second, a shared decision needs a yes from each person, and a quiet no from one person can undo it. So the last part is the person who can say no. That gives four parts.

The one who notices the need is the person who first says that something should change. Mrs. Halloran wanted the anniversary at home.

The one who looks gathers names, menus, and prices, and compares them. Nell asked a friend and sent her mother three names.

The one who calls makes the first contact and sets up the meeting. In the Halloran house, that was Mrs. Halloran again. In a larger household, it may be someone on the staff.

The one who can quietly say no may say little in the meeting. Mr. Halloran asked one question at the tasting, and his no came in the car.

One person can play more than one part, as Mrs. Halloran did. A client who lives alone plays all four. What matters is that you know which person is which before the household decides.

A design firm found that couples who think they agree often do not

Lissette Fernández and Chelsea Murawski run Together Home, an interior design studio in Marin County, California. In 2024, Business of Home asked 14 designers how they handle couples who disagree.

The two designers said that every client first fills out a detailed questionnaire. With a couple, “we ask each to fill out the questionnaire as individuals, not as a couple.” Then each one prints theirs out, and the couple books a date night to compare them.

The designers said what that date night often shows. “A lot of times, they think they are on the same page and [discover] they are not.”

Measured against this lesson, the questionnaire shows what a couple’s agreement in a meeting is worth. Before the questionnaire, many of these couples believed they wanted the same house. Apart, on paper, each one wrote down what they wanted. What they disagreed about came out when they compared answers, on their own, on a date night.

So the course puts it this way. The meeting room is theater, and the car home is the decision. That is the course’s own way of saying it, and here is its reason. Nobody in the room is pretending. In front of you, a couple shows the agreement they believe they have. They find out whether they have it later, alone, when each one says what they want.

A designer in Aspen asks questions of the partner who is overshadowed

Barbara Glass is an interior designer in Aspen, Colorado. Asked by Business of Home how she handles couples who disagree, she described the partner who is overshadowed by the other one. “If I sense someone is feeling overlooked or overshadowed by a stronger, more opinionated partner, I make a conscious effort to engage them,” she said. She does it by “asking questions to include them in the discussion.”

Measured against this lesson, Glass’s method finds the quiet no while she is still in the room. A partner who says little has not agreed. They may be saving a worry for the car. A question of their own gives that worry somewhere to go while you are there to answer it.

In the first version, Mr. Halloran gave Teodora a hint. He asked how many people would be in the house. Teodora gave him the number and went back to the menu. His question was about a worry, strangers in his house all day, and the worry went home with him.

Why asking the quiet partner whether they object goes wrong

Imagine a photographer named Wren Castellanos who meets the Ashcombes at her studio about a family portrait. Mrs. Ashcombe called her, and Mrs. Ashcombe does most of the talking. Mr. Ashcombe sits back with his arms folded. Wren knows that the quiet partner matters, and she has a shoot in half an hour. “Mr. Ashcombe, you’ve been quiet,” she says. “Are you not sold on this?”

Mr. Ashcombe says, “No, no, it’s fine,” and Mrs. Ashcombe laughs. In the car, he tells his wife that the price is a lot for a photo. They see the whole family every week anyway, he says. A week later, Mrs. Ashcombe writes that they will wait until next year.

Wren was right to turn to Mr. Ashcombe. Her mistake was the question. “Are you not sold on this?” asked him to object in front of his wife and a stranger, so he agreed instead. The version that works asks what he wants. “Mr. Ashcombe, what would you want this photo to show, 20 years from now?” He might say that he wants his parents in it while they are still well. Then he has said for himself what the photo is worth to him.

Asking the quiet partner a question is not stirring up trouble

Turning to someone who has said little can feel like taking sides. It can also feel like starting an argument between two clients in front of you.

The disagreement is there either way. Together Home’s couples thought they agreed until they compared their answers on a date night. A question in the room does not create what they disagree about. It brings it out while you can still answer it, instead of in the car, where you cannot. Glass asks her questions so that each partner’s view goes into the plan.

How to learn who plays each part in a household

On the first call, ask how the idea came up. For example, a home organizer can say, “What got you thinking about the garage now?” The answer tells you who noticed the need, in their own words.
On the same call, ask who has been looking. For example, a tutor can ask, “Have you or anyone else spoken to other tutors?” The person who did the looking has compared names and prices, and may come to the meeting with questions.
Write the four parts on the page you keep on the client, with a name next to each. Leave a part blank until you know it. For example, a travel adviser might write that the husband wants the trip and the wife has been comparing safaris. The wife called, and the person who can say no is still blank.
In the meeting, watch for the person who says the least. Ask them a question of their own about what they want, not whether they object. For example, a personal trainer meeting a couple can ask the quieter partner, “What would you like to be able to do by the summer?”
When someone asks a short practical question, answer it, and then ask what is behind it. For example, a florist asked how long the setup takes can say, “About three hours. Is the timing a concern?” That is the course’s suggestion, because a question like Mr. Halloran’s is often a worry.
Before you leave, do not take the yes at the door as the decision. Give the person who called something they can carry home, and agree on a day to talk again.

Next: You will see why an assistant or a house manager is a relationship to keep, and why they report what they see.