How to Ask a Client for an Introduction

Imagine a music teacher named Ingrid Solberg who teaches violin to nine-year-old Hattie Ashworth. In February, Hattie’s mother, Clare Ashworth, mentions a friend while she waits for Hattie after a lesson. The friend’s daughter, Amara Okafor, has begged for violin lessons all winter, and Amara’s teacher moved away at Christmas.

In June, Ingrid sends Mrs. Ashworth the invoice for the spring term. At the bottom, she adds the sentence she puts on every invoice. “If you know anyone who’d like lessons, I’d be so grateful if you passed my name along. I have two spots opening in September.”

Mrs. Ashworth writes back, “Of course, happy to!” She means it. Over the summer, though, she does not think of anyone in particular, and nothing in the invoice brings Amara to mind. In August, Amara’s mother finds a teacher on the school’s list. In October, Ingrid still has both September openings.

Suppose instead that Ingrid asks in May, after the spring recital. Hattie plays her piece without a stop. As the hall empties, Mrs. Ashworth says, “I can’t believe that’s the girl who cried over her scales in September.”

Ingrid thanks her and says that Hattie worked hard for it. Then she says, “You mentioned in February that Amara Okafor wants to play. If she’s still keen, I’d be glad to meet her. I could send you a short note to forward to her mother, if that would help. If the timing’s not right, don’t give it a second thought.”

Mrs. Ashworth says yes. That evening, Ingrid sends her the note, written to Amara’s mother. Mrs. Ashworth forwards it before bed with one sentence of her own on top. The next morning, Amara’s mother writes to Ingrid and books a trial lesson for the following week.

Ingrid taught Hattie the same way in both versions. What changed were three parts of the ask. The first was who the introduction was for. The second was when she asked. The third was how much Mrs. Ashworth had to do. Here is why each one matters.

An introduction is for a friend who has not asked about you

When a client’s friend needs help like yours, the friend often asks the client who they use. A reputation for results and discretion brings you those friends without your asking. Some friends do not ask, because the subject does not come up when they meet. Amara’s mother told Mrs. Ashworth what Amara wanted, but she did not ask about Ingrid.

The ask and the reputation do different jobs. The reputation reaches the friends who ask the client about you. The ask reaches a friend who has not asked, when the client has already told you about them.

So the course’s rule is to ask only when the client has named a friend who needs your help. Here is its reason. A request to send you anyone they know makes the client’s word a favor owed to you. The client has to go looking, and the request is about your calendar. Ingrid’s sentence on the invoice was that kind of request.

An introduction to a named friend is about the friend. Ingrid’s second ask was about Amara, who wanted lessons and had no teacher. Passing Ingrid’s name on then helped someone Mrs. Ashworth cared about. It was a kindness to a friend, and not a chore she owed Ingrid.

People judge a past experience by a few of its moments

In 1993, Barbara Fredrickson and Daniel Kahneman published two experiments in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. People watched short film clips, some pleasant and some unpleasant, that ran for different lengths. Afterward, they judged each clip as a whole. The length of a clip made little difference to those judgments.

The researchers concluded that people judge a past experience from a handful of its moments. It was as if how long the experience lasted did not matter.

Those were film clips, and the step to your work is the course’s own. Here is the step. When a client tells a friend about you, they describe a few moments, not the months. A high point is one of those moments. At a high point, the client has just seen a result and has something true to tell the friend.

A high point might be a recital or the day a room is finished. It might be a dinner party that went the way the host hoped. You will know it because the client says something about the result in their own words. For Mrs. Ashworth, it was “I can’t believe that’s the girl who cried over her scales.” So wait for the client to say it, rather than guessing from the calendar.

An invoice is not a high point, and neither is a day when something went wrong. A client introduces you only after seeing your result. So the ask comes after the result, not before it.

A founder writes the introduction for the person making it

Waseem Daher is one of the founders of Pilot, a company that does accounting for startups. In a 2022 post on his newsletter, he describes how he asks people to introduce him. He calls it the forwardable email. It is “a ready-to-go email where your ‘intro-er’ doesn’t have to do anything other than hit forward.”

His reason is that if the person “has to do any work, they’ll ‘get to it later’ (which means they might never get to it).” His test is time. “If they can’t manage it in 30 seconds from their phone, you’re unnecessarily slowing things down.”

In one of his samples, Devon is the contact making the introduction, and Abby is the person Daher wants to meet. The essential trick, he writes, is that “you’re writing an email to Devon, but you’re really writing an email to Abby.” All Devon will do is forward it.

Measured against this lesson, Daher’s note is the method, with one change. His sample asks Devon, “any chance you could see if she’s open to a short chat?” That is a favor for Daher, which suits founders asking each other for help. For a client, keep the note but write it about what the friend wants. Daher’s examples are hires and investors, and the step to a client’s friend is the course’s own.

The note does a different job from the two sentences a client can repeat when a friend asks about you. Those sentences are for a friend who asks. The note is for a friend the client writes to.

A note of four sentences tells the friend what they need

Ingrid’s note was four sentences long. “Hello Mrs. Okafor, Clare Ashworth tells me that Amara would like to learn the violin. I teach violin to children from age six, at my studio on Elm Street on weekday afternoons. I have two openings this September. If Amara would like to try a lesson, you can reach me at this address.”

Each sentence has one job. The first says what the friend wants, as the client told you. The second says what you do, and the third says when you can start. The last says how to reach you.

Four sentences or fewer is the course’s suggestion. Its reason is Daher’s test, that the client should be able to forward the note in 30 seconds from a phone. Leave out your prices, your full list of services, and any thanks to the client for offering. Leave out the client’s own story too. Mrs. Ashworth added her own sentence about Hattie. So anything Mrs. Okafor heard about Hattie came from Hattie’s mother.

Why asking for a favor goes wrong even at a high point

Imagine a coach named Theo Marchetti who has coached Lena Voss for a year. Ms. Voss runs a hospital department. In the spring, she gives a talk to the board that she has dreaded for months. Afterward, she calls Theo. “They asked me to present again in the fall,” she says.

Weeks earlier, Ms. Voss mentioned that a colleague, Priya Raman, had just been made a director. Theo has a quiet month ahead, and he asks in a hurry. “Would you put in a word for me with Priya? I’m trying to fill a couple of slots.”

Ms. Voss says, “Of course.” Now she has to choose a moment, find the words, and explain why she is passing on Theo’s name. She means to do it after a busy week, and then after another. In June, Ms. Raman takes the coach the hospital’s training office suggests.

Theo asked at the right moment and about the right person. His mistake was asking a favor for himself and leaving the writing to the client. His request was about his empty slots, and Ms. Voss had to write the introduction herself. The version that works says, “You mentioned that Priya was just made a director. If she’d like someone to talk to in her first year, I’d be glad to meet her. I can send you a note to forward.” Then Theo sends the note that afternoon.

Asking for an introduction is not imposing on the client

Many professionals do not ask at all. Asking a client to do something for you can feel like imposing on them, or like spending the goodwill you earned.

In 2008, Francis Flynn and Vanessa Bohns published a series of studies on asking for help. People who made a direct request for help guessed how many others would agree. In the first three studies, they guessed too low by as much as 50%, both in the lab and in everyday settings. The people asking thought about the effort of saying yes. They gave less weight to how awkward it is to say no.

So expect more clients to say yes than you fear. Because a no is awkward to say, give the client an easy way to say it. That is the course’s suggestion, and the study is its reason. An introduction a client makes only to avoid saying no is not one you want.

The note also makes a yes cheap. Mrs. Ashworth spent less than a minute on it, and it helped a friend.

How to ask a client for an introduction

1. A client may mention a friend, a relative, or a colleague who needs your kind of help. Write it on the page you keep on the client. Write the friend’s name and what they need, in the client’s words. For example, a home organizer might write that Mrs. Lund’s sister moves to a smaller apartment in March. She dreads the packing.
2. Wait for a high point, when the client says something about a result in their own words. For example, a personal trainer’s client might say, “I hiked the whole ridge trail and wasn’t sore the next day.” Do not ask on the day you send an invoice or on a day something went wrong.
3. At that moment, name the friend and what the friend wanted, and offer to write the note. End with an easy way to say no. For example, an interior designer can say, “You mentioned your sister is stuck on her kitchen. If she’d like to talk, I could send you a short note to forward. If the timing’s not right, don’t give it a second thought.”
4. If the client says yes, send the note the same day, written to the friend. Keep it to four sentences. Say what the friend wants, what you do, when you can start, and how to reach you. For example, a photographer can write, “Hello Mr. Doyle, Sam Ferris tells me your family would like a portrait before your son leaves for college. I photograph families at home. I have two Saturdays free in July. You can reach me at this address.”
5. If the client hesitates or says no, thank them and let it go. Do not bring up that friend again. That is the course’s suggestion, because a second ask turns the kindness back into a favor.
6. When the friend writes, answer the same day, as someone who already trusts you. Then thank the client in one sentence, and offer nothing in return. For example, a dog walker can write, “Thank you for passing my name to the Hendersons.”

Next: You will see why the client who introduced you has staked their own name on you.