A Referred Client Comes With Two Relationships

Imagine a coach named Nadia Brennan who has coached Helen Ashby for two years. Mrs. Ashby runs a law firm. In March, she gives Nadia’s name to a friend, Daniel Okoro, who has just become the head of a school. Mr. Okoro hires Nadia the same week.

In May, at the end of a session, Mrs. Ashby asks, “How’s Daniel getting on?” Nadia is pleased, and she is packing up for her next call. “He’s doing well,” she says. “His board has been hard on him, and we’ve worked on that.”

Two weeks later, at a dinner, Mrs. Ashby tells Mr. Okoro that she is glad Nadia is helping him with his board. Mr. Okoro looks at her for a moment. “I didn’t know you two talked about me,” he says. In June, he tells Nadia that he will stop for the summer, and he does not come back. In the autumn, another friend asks Mrs. Ashby for a coach, and she gives a different name.

Suppose instead that Nadia asks a question at her first session with Mr. Okoro. “Helen may ask me how it’s going. I’d like to tell her only that we’ve started, and that I’m grateful she introduced us. Is that all right with you?” Mr. Okoro says, “That’s fine. Anything else, I’ll tell her myself.”

In May, Mrs. Ashby asks the same question. Nadia says, “We’ve started, and I’m grateful you introduced us. The rest is Daniel’s to tell.” Mrs. Ashby laughs and says, “Fair enough.” At the dinner, Mr. Okoro tells her himself that his board meetings have become easier. In the autumn, she gives Nadia’s name to the next friend who asks.

Nadia coached Mr. Okoro just as well in both versions. What changed was what reached Mrs. Ashby, and who told her. When Mrs. Ashby gave Mr. Okoro Nadia’s name, her own judgment went with it. So Nadia was looking after two relationships, one with Mr. Okoro and one with Mrs. Ashby. Here is why the friend who sends you a client has so much riding on you, and how to look after both.

A recommendation puts the recommender’s own name at risk

In 2005, the sociologist Sandra Susan Smith published a study in the American Journal of Sociology. She interviewed 105 low-income residents of a Midwestern city about helping friends and relatives find work. The study takes its title from what some of them told the people they helped: “Don’t put my name on it.”

About 70% of the people she interviewed worried about vouching for someone. They could not be sure the person would turn up, stay past the first paycheck, or do the job well. Smith found that a bad referral would at least embarrass the person who made it. At worst, it could cost them their own job.

Some of them had been burned already. Their managers trusted their recommendations less, and the workers themselves began to doubt their judgment of people. Some stopped helping anyone. Others still passed on news of a job, but asked the friend to leave their name out of it.

Those were people helping friends get hired, and the step to your clients is the course’s own. Here is the step. When a client gives a friend your name, the client is vouching for you. If you do well by the friend, the friend trusts your client’s advice a little more. If you let the friend down, the friend trusts it less. Your client’s word is the same small bet a house manager makes on every name she gives.

So the work for a referred client is not only between you and that client. Your client has their name on the job too. After one job that goes badly, they may stop giving your name to anyone.

Three people ended up upset after one recommendation went wrong

In 2018, a reader wrote to David Eddie, who writes an advice column for The Globe and Mail. She and her husband recommended their contractor to friends. The friends did not like his work. They “bad-mouthed him,” she wrote, and they refused to pay.

“Now he’s upset with our friends, our friends are upset with us and we’re upset with our friends,” she wrote. She went on, “I’m wishing we never recommended our guy (who has always done great work for us) in the first place.”

Eddie answered that similar scenes had played out in his own life a few times. “I’ve decided my new policy is not to recommend anyone to anyone anymore,” he wrote. He suggested that she tell her friends that refusing to pay was wrong in itself, and also “because it reflects on me.”

Measured against this lesson, the letter shows how far the trouble from one job spreads. The couple only passed on a name. Even so, one job left them upset with their friends, and their friends upset with them. The columnist’s answer shows what that can cost a professional. A recommender who has been through it once may stop recommending anyone at all.

A designer said nothing about a difficult referral, and her client hired her again

In 2023, a reader wrote to Alison Green, who writes the Ask a Manager advice column. The reader works at a small firm that has hired a freelance designer, called Jane in the letter, for several projects. She also passed Jane’s name to a friend, called Lee, who needed a designer. She warned Lee that Jane was expensive and charged for her consultations. Lee had a consultation with Jane and then decided against the project because of the cost.

About a month later, Lee texted the reader, “enraged.” Lee said that Jane had charged their credit card double the invoice for the consultation. Lee called it fraud and went to the credit card company to get the money back.

The reader doubted Lee’s story. She knew that Jane has clients approve their invoice amounts. Jane also collects payment through another company’s software, so she does not see a client’s card details. Even so, she wrote, “I’m worried it might be affected by a referral I gave her that went sour.” Green answered that Jane, for her part, “might be worried that you’ll hear Lee’s side of the story and believe it.”

Weeks later, the reader sent an update. She decided not to raise Lee with Jane unless Jane raised it first. “It never came up,” she wrote. Her firm hired Jane for more work in the new year, and Jane “never brought anything up about Lee.” When Lee next got in touch, Lee said they had their money back and would not say more.

Measured against this lesson, Jane kept the dispute between herself and Lee. She did not take her side of it to the client who sent Lee, and she did not need to. The reader judged Jane by years of careful invoices she saw for herself.

The friend who sent a client hears only what the client agrees to

The friend who sent a client wants to know how it is going, because their name is on it. The new client’s business is still their own. So the course’s suggestion is to ask the new client, at the start, what you may tell the friend. Then tell the friend that and nothing more.

Here is its reason. A wealthy client expects you to keep their private life to yourself, and the friend who sent them is not an exception. A sentence such as “We’ve started, and I’m grateful you introduced us” keeps the friend informed without telling them anything private. Anything more about the work is the client’s to share.

A house manager who brought you into a household is a different case. The house manager runs the job for the household, so you tell the house manager first when something changes. A friend who gave your name does not run the job, so the friend hears only what the client agrees to.

The same goes the other way. A new client may ask about the friend’s house or the friend’s family. Talk about your own work instead.

Why asking the friend to pass on a message goes wrong

Imagine a caterer named Pilar Esteve who cooks for Mrs. Rowan’s dinner parties. Mrs. Rowan gives Pilar’s name to the Thornes, who want a party for their daughter’s engagement. Two weeks before the party, the Thornes still have not paid the deposit. Pilar needs to order the lamb by Friday.

Pilar is between two jobs, and she sends a quick text to Mrs. Rowan. “Could you nudge the Thornes about the deposit? I need to order the meat by Friday.” Mrs. Rowan mentions it to Mrs. Thorne after tennis.

Mrs. Thorne pays that evening. She is embarrassed that her friend knows she was late with a bill, and she does not hire Pilar again. Mrs. Rowan is embarrassed too. When the next friend asks her for a caterer, she gives a different name.

Pilar’s mistake was to use the friend who sent the client as a messenger. The deposit was between Pilar and the Thornes, and the text made Mrs. Rowan part of it. The version that works goes straight to the client. Pilar writes to the Thornes herself, “To hold the date, I’ll need the deposit by Friday, so that I can order the lamb.” Mrs. Rowan hears nothing about it.

Saying little to the friend who sent a client is not ungrateful

Telling the friend who sent a client so little can feel ungrateful. The friend did you a favor, and an update can seem like the least you owe them.

You do thank the friend, in one sentence, with nothing offered in return. After that, the sentence the client agreed to is the update. The reader who sent Lee to Jane heard nothing from Jane about Lee, and she hired Jane again.

How to look after a referred client and the friend who sent them

1. At your first meeting with a referred client, ask what you may tell the friend who sent them. Offer a short sentence they can agree to. For example, a personal trainer can say, “Mrs. Lowe may ask me how you’re getting on. I’d like to tell her only that we’ve started. Is that all right with you?”
2. Write the answer on the page you keep on the client, in the client’s words. If the client would rather you said nothing, tell the friend nothing beyond your thank-you.
3. Once the work has started, and if the client agreed, send the friend one short note with the agreed sentence. For example, a tutor can write, “Thank you again for introducing me to the Marlowes. Sam and I had our first lesson on Tuesday.”
4. When the friend asks how it is going, give the agreed sentence and stop. Then turn the talk to the friend. For example, an interior designer can say, “We’ve started, and I’m glad you introduced us. How was your trip to Maine?”
5. When something goes wrong with a referred client, settle it with that client directly. Do not tell the friend your side of it. Do not ask the friend to pass on a message, chase a payment, or speak for you. For example, a photographer whose referred client is unhappy with the gallery can write to the client, “I’m sorry the gallery isn’t what you hoped. Could we go through it together on Thursday?”

Next: You will see how a wealthy household decides, from who first notices the need to who can quietly say no.