Say Sorry Once, and Let the Fix Do the Rest

Imagine a travel adviser named Sabine Holt who plans the Pembertons’ trip to Rome for their 25th anniversary. The dinner that matters most is on Friday, at a small restaurant Mrs. Pemberton has wanted to try for years. In a busy week, Sabine books the table for Thursday by mistake.

On Friday at eight, the Pembertons arrive, and the restaurant has no table for them. Mrs. Pemberton texts Sabine. Within half an hour, Sabine finds them a table at a trattoria two streets away. Then she writes, “I am so, so sorry. I can’t believe I did this. It’s been a crazy week with three groups away, and the booking site shows the dates the European way. I feel awful. I hope you can forgive me.”

The next morning she writes again. “Just checking you’re both OK after last night? I’m still so sorry.” Mrs. Pemberton answers, “We’re fine! The other place was lovely.” When the Pembertons get home, Sabine sends an email that apologizes for Rome a third time. In March, she opens their call about the summer with Rome again. Mrs. Pemberton says, “Please, it’s forgotten.”

In May, a friend asks Mrs. Pemberton about Sabine. “She’s lovely,” Mrs. Pemberton says. “Something went wrong in Rome, and we’re still hearing about it.” The friend books another adviser.

Suppose instead that Sabine makes the same mistake and finds the same table. She calls Mrs. Pemberton and says, “I’m sorry. I booked your table for last night instead of tonight, and that was my mistake. I have a table for you two streets away at nine, and a car will be outside your hotel at 8:40. I’ve checked your other dinners against each restaurant’s own confirmation, and I check every booking that way now.”

The next morning, Sabine sends the note she had planned about the day’s tour, and nothing about the dinner. In March, she opens the call by asking where the Pembertons would like to go in the summer. In May, a friend asks Mrs. Pemberton about Sabine. “She’s wonderful,” Mrs. Pemberton says. “She got a booking wrong in Rome, and we were sitting down to dinner within the hour.” The friend books Sabine that week.

Sabine made the same mistake both times, and she found the same table. A key difference was how many times Mrs. Pemberton heard about the mistake. In the first version, she heard four apologies, and each one asked her to say that she was fine. The busy week and the booking site told her about Sabine’s week, not about her dinner. In the second version, she heard one apology, with the fix and Sabine’s new check inside it. Then the trip went on.

So when a mistake is yours, say sorry once. Say what went wrong, say it was yours, and give the fix. Say what you have changed so the mistake does not happen again. Then stop. Here is what an apology needs, what a designer and a chef learned from theirs, and where it goes wrong.

Saying it was your fault and offering the fix do the most work

In 2016, Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin, and Robert Lount published two experiments on what makes an apology work. The 755 people in them imagined that they ran an accounting department and were hiring. At a previous job, one candidate had filed a wrong tax return for a client. The candidate apologized for the mistake.

The apologies used up to six parts. The first three were an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, and an acknowledgment of responsibility. The other three were a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair, and a request for forgiveness. Apologies with more of the parts worked better.

The parts were not equal. The acknowledgment of responsibility mattered most. “Say it is your fault, that you made a mistake,” Lewicki said. The offer of repair came second. “By saying, ‘I’ll fix what is wrong,’ you’re committing to take action to undo the damage,” he said. The request for forgiveness mattered least. “That’s the one you can leave out if you have to.”

Those were people in an experiment judging a job candidate, and the step to your clients is the course’s own. Here is the step. Each part an apology needs fits in a few words. “I’m sorry” is the regret. “I booked your table for last night instead of tonight” says what went wrong. “That was my mistake” says it was hers. The table at nine and the car at 8:40 are the repair. The check against each restaurant’s confirmation is what she changed. Now the Pembertons do not have to wonder whether their next dinner is on the right night. In the second version, Sabine’s call carried all of those parts in four sentences.

The busy week and the booking site are a different kind of explanation. They say how the mistake came about, and a client takes that as a defense. “I hope you can forgive me” is the part Lewicki said you can leave out. It also asks the client to do something, which is to answer you.

Every new apology brings the mistake back

An apology asks for an answer. When you apologize again the next day, the client has to answer again. Mrs. Pemberton wrote “We’re fine!” because the message asked her to. An apology for a long silence gives a past client the same job. The client has to reassure you before anything else.

So the second and third apologies do not add care. Each one puts the mistake back in front of the client and asks them to look after you. That is the course’s reason for saying it once. What the client remembers is what came after the apology, and the fix is already doing that work.

A message that says the fix is done is different. “The car is outside” or “The new chairs arrive on Monday” is a fact the client can use. Send it once, and leave the apology out of it.

A California designer apologized for a vendor’s mistake, and the client moved on to a new rug

Rosanna Bassford is an interior designer in Brisbane, California. In 2020, Business of Home asked five designers how they handle mistakes on a job. Bassford started with a rule. “Whether it is my fault or not, it doesn’t matter, because I am responsible for seeing the project through.”

Her story was about a rug the client loved. A month after ordering it, Bassford found that the size they wanted had been discontinued. The vendor had not told her, and would not have if she had not checked the order. “Not my fault, but I still apologized to the client,” she said. The client was “gracious and understanding, and we moved on to reselect the rug.”

Then she said what she thinks clients want. “Sometimes, I think people just want to know that the error was recognized and something is being done to correct it.”

Measured against this lesson, her two parts are the two that matter most. The error is recognized, and the fix is under way. Her rule also covers a supplier’s mistake inside the work you were hired for. That mistake is still yours to own with the client. An apology for something that was not wrong at all is a different matter, and it stays out.

A chef in Washington, D.C., served raw lamb, and her client forgot it long before she did

Marguerite Bottorf is a chef in Washington, D.C. In 2021, she told the Burnt podcast about her years as resident chef for a senior official at the British embassy. She cooked about 85 dinners for the family over three years.

One dinner was for guests from the New Zealand embassy, and she served rack of lamb. The oven had been blowing cold air, and her thermometer was off. When she cut the lamb, it was “purple stone, cold jelly in the middle.” The official and his wife came into the kitchen to ask how they could help. He told her the guests liked their lamb rare, and he offered to help her serve it.

Bottorf thought that was the end of the job. Then, on Monday, the official called. “Hey, we need a dinner on Tuesday,” he said. Then he added, “Maybe just don’t do lamb?”

Bottorf took far longer to move on. “I kicked myself harder than anybody could have kicked me,” she said. “It was just unending for me, but they have completely forgotten about it.” She also started telling new clients about the lamb. “Why am I giving these people a warning?” she asked herself.

Measured against this lesson, the client closed the subject in one sentence on Monday. The months of going over it were Bottorf’s own, and so was the story she told new clients. That is where a second and a third apology come from. The mistake is still on your mind after it has left the client’s. So when you feel the pull to apologize again, treat it as your feeling, and do not hand it to the client.

Why a quick sorry with no fix goes wrong

Imagine a specialist realtor named Callum Pryce who is helping the Achterbergs buy a house on the lake. He books a second viewing of a house for Saturday at 10. In his text to Mrs. Achterberg, he types 11 by mistake. On Saturday, the Achterbergs arrive at 11, and the owners have gone out. Mrs. Achterberg calls him.

Callum has learned that a long apology is a mistake. “So sorry about that! My fault,” he texts, and nothing more. Mrs. Achterberg waits. Then she texts, “Are we still seeing it today?” Callum answers that he will check with the owners. An hour later she writes again to ask what time. The viewing happens on Sunday.

When a friend asks Mrs. Achterberg about Callum, she says, “He says sorry fast. Then you have to chase him for what happens next.”

Callum’s apology was short, and it said the mistake was his. It left out the fix, so Mrs. Achterberg had to ask for it twice. Each of her texts was more contact about the mistake, started by her instead of by him. The version that works has the fix and the change inside it. “I’m sorry, I gave you the wrong time, and that was my mistake. The owners can show you around at four today or at 10 tomorrow, whichever suits you. From now on, I paste every viewing time from the owners’ own message instead of typing it.”

One apology is not too little

Many professionals worry that one apology will look as if they do not care enough. Saying sorry again can feel like the way to show that the mistake matters to you.

The client sees the care in the fix. Bassford’s client wanted to know that “something is being done to correct it.” Mrs. Pemberton was at dinner within the hour, and that is the part she told her friend. Bottorf’s client asked her back for Tuesday. A second apology gives the client one more message to answer, and nothing more to use.

How to say sorry once and let the fix do the rest

1. Before you call or write, find the fix and when it will happen, and decide what you will change. That is the course’s suggestion, so the apology goes out once with the fix inside it. If the client is already waiting on the mistake, call at once and say when you will have the fix.
2. Say you are sorry, name the mistake in one plain sentence, and say it was yours. For example, a personal trainer can say, “I’m sorry. I booked the pool for Wednesday instead of Tuesday, and that was my mistake.”
3. In the next sentence, give the fix and its time. For example, a caterer who sent four vegetarian plates instead of 10 can say, “Six more vegetarian plates will be with you by seven.”
4. Then say what you have changed so the mistake does not happen again. Name the change itself, and leave out “It won’t happen again.” For example, the caterer can add, “I now count the vegetarian plates against your order before the van leaves.”
5. Leave out how the mistake came about, how bad you feel, and any request for forgiveness. For example, a tutor might cut “It’s been a hectic term,” “I feel terrible,” and “I hope you can forgive me.”
6. When the fix is done, tell the client once, in one sentence, as a fact. Do not ask whether they are all right, and do not apologize again. For example, a personal stylist can write, “Your dress is back from the tailor, and it will be at your house by noon.”
7. At your next meeting with the client, start with the work. If the client brings up the mistake, answer in one sentence and go back to the work. For example, a coach whose client says, “You missed our call last week,” can answer, “I did, and it’s sorted. Now, the board meeting on Friday.”

Next: You will see what to do when a client has lost confidence in you. Then you will see how to show them that something has changed.