How to Be Direct Without Being Arrogant

Imagine a caterer named Wilhelmina who meets Mrs. Thorvald about a dinner in June. There will be 60 guests at one long table in the garden, and the house has one kitchen with one oven. Mrs. Thorvald asks whether Wilhelmina can do a seated dinner for 60 out of that kitchen. “I can do that,” Wilhelmina says. Mrs. Thorvald asks when she can see a menu. “I’ll send it on Thursday.”

Then Mrs. Thorvald says she would like the lamb plated, with each guest served at the table. Wilhelmina has looked at the oven. “I’d serve the lamb on platters,” she says. “With one oven, 60 plates go out in three rounds, and the last 20 are cold. Platters all go out together.” Mrs. Thorvald says she has wanted a plated dinner in that garden for years. “Then I’d bring a second oven and two more servers,” Wilhelmina says. “That adds about $900.” Mrs. Thorvald chooses the plated lamb, with the second oven, and books her.

Wilhelmina said four things in that kitchen, and every one of them was direct. They were a plain yes, a day, and an opinion with its reason. The fourth was what it would take to do it the other way, with a price. Mrs. Thorvald can use all four, because every one of them is about her dinner.

Now suppose Wilhelmina had answered the plated lamb differently. “Nobody serves 60 plated out of a kitchen like this. Trust me, I’ve been doing this for 20 years.” That answer is about Wilhelmina. It puts her above Mrs. Thorvald, it gives no reason, and it closes a question that was Mrs. Thorvald’s to decide. That is the line between direct and arrogant. A direct sentence is about the work. An arrogant sentence is about you.

Pushing too little costs the work, and pushing too much costs the client

In 2007, Daniel Ames and Francis Flynn published three studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The studies were about how people judge the leaders they work with. The researchers looked at how hard a leader pushes for what they want, which they call assertiveness. A leader seen as pushing too little was rated a worse leader. So was a leader seen as pushing too much.

The two costs are different. In the authors’ account, too little pushing meant that the work did not get done. Too much pushing hurt the leader’s relationships with the people around them. The studies were about leaders and the people who work with them. The step to a caterer in a client’s kitchen is the course’s own.

Here is the step. Wilhelmina’s platters are her pushing for the dinner. Too little, and she says yes to 60 cold plates. Too much, and she wins the platters and loses Mrs. Thorvald. The direct sentence sits between the two. It says what she would do and why, and it leaves the lamb to Mrs. Thorvald.

A London designer gives the client the house and keeps the process

In January 2026, Business of Home asked nine interior designers how they work with a client who has strong opinions. Bari Jerauld, a designer in London, said she is clear from the start. “They have final authority over their home, but I have professional authority over the design process.”

In 25 years, she said, she has learned that clients do not want design authority. “They want to feel heard and confident they’re getting something extraordinary.” So when a client pushes back, “I explain my reasoning rather than insist,” she said. “Most clients appreciate being educated, not overruled.”

She also has a direct no for the client who wants to decide everything. “If someone genuinely wants to art-direct every decision, I’m honest: They don’t need a designer; they need a procurement service.”

Jerauld’s two authorities mark the line. Your opinion about how the work is done is yours to give, with its reason, and the client’s home is the client’s. The arrogant sentence crosses from the first to the second. “We’re doing platters” decides Mrs. Thorvald’s dinner for her. “I’d do platters, because the last 20 plates go out cold” tells her what Wilhelmina knows and leaves the dinner with her.

A designer who went along with a timeline watched one year become three

In April 2025, the same magazine asked seven designers when they say no to a client’s idea. Kari Bennett, a designer in Salt Lake City, answered with the time she did not. A client arrived with a long list of goals. The client, the architect, and the contractor all agreed on a timeline, and Bennett knew it was impossible.

“Instead of pushing back, I went along with it,” she said.

“The result? A project that was supposed to take one year stretched into three.” She calls it one of the hardest lessons she learned, “not saying no when I should have.”

The direct sentence in that meeting was about the work. It would have said that the timeline will not hold, and why. Nothing in it would have put the designer above the client. A professional who leaves that sentence unsaid, so as not to seem pushy, has not been polite. The client walks into the two years without being told.

A design consultant says arrogance is when working with you is not worth the result

Carol Mackay ran a graphic design firm for more than 30 years and now advises design businesses in Australia. On her firm’s site, she describes the designer a client wants. She lists five ways that designer is confident. Two of them are helping the client see the real problem, and delivering on budget and on time.

“But don’t confuse confidence with arrogance,” she writes. “Confident is sharing ownership of a project with your team and your client. Arrogance is when the experience of working with you, and putting up with your attitude is not worth the final product, however good.”

Her readers design for businesses, and her test carries to a client’s kitchen. A client weighs the result against what it was like to get it. “However good” is the part to keep. Wilhelmina’s lamb can be perfect and still cost her the Christmas dinner, if Mrs. Thorvald felt talked down to in June.

The three marks of an arrogant sentence

Jerauld’s two authorities and Mackay’s shared ownership give the course its test. A sentence has stopped being about the work when it carries any of these three marks:

• It puts you above the client. “I’ve been doing this for 20 years” and “trust me” rank you. They are a credential offered before anyone asked.
• It gives no reason. “Nobody does that” dismisses the client’s idea and explains nothing. Jerauld’s clients want to be educated, not overruled, and a reason is what educates.
• It decides for the client. “We’re doing platters” settles a dinner that was Mrs. Thorvald’s. The home is the client’s, and so is the dinner.

A direct sentence has none of the three. “I can do that” is a fact about your work, with nothing added. “I’ll send it Thursday” is a day. An opinion with its reason tells the client what you know and leaves the choice where it was. Each one is said bare, with no softening in front of it and no question after it that asks for approval.

Why a no with no reason goes wrong

Imagine a music teacher named Kasimir whose student, Niko, is nine. Niko’s father, Mr. Petrakis, asks whether Niko can play a Chopin waltz at the school concert in May. Niko has heard it and wants it. Kasimir has taught the waltz to older students. He knows that the stretches in it are too wide for a nine-year-old’s hand.

“No,” Kasimir says. “That’s not a piece for a nine-year-old. Everyone asks for Chopin. He’ll play what I give him.”

Mr. Petrakis says nothing more about it. Niko plays the piece Kasimir gives him, and plays it well. In the summer, Mr. Petrakis moves him to a teacher a friend recommended, and tells the friend that Kasimir “decides everything.”

Kasimir was right about the waltz, and every sentence he said was about himself. “Everyone asks for Chopin” put him above a father who had asked once. “He’ll play what I give him” settled a question the family had brought to him, and the no came with no reason Mr. Petrakis could use. The direct version is about the hand. For example: “I’d give him the Clementi for the concert, because the waltz has stretches his hand can’t reach yet. He can start the Chopin after the concert.” If Mr. Petrakis still wants the waltz, Kasimir can say what it would take. That is a simplified arrangement and a second lesson a week.

Holding your opinion is not overruling the client

Giving an opinion with its reason, and then saying what the client’s way would cost, can feel like arguing. The client is the one paying for the dinner.

Emily Shron, a designer in New York, answered the magazine’s question about saying no to a client’s idea. “There’s a reason a client hired us,” she said, and “part of that is telling them what are good and bad ideas.” Mrs. Thorvald hired a caterer who has looked at her oven. The opinion about the platters is part of what she is paying for. The second oven is the answer to her choice. What Wilhelmina does not do is raise the platters a second time after Mrs. Thorvald has chosen. A client who has heard your reason and chosen the other way has used your opinion. That is what it was for.

How to say the yes, the date, and the opinion without the arrogance

1. Write the three sentences you say most in a first meeting. The first is the plain yes to a job you can do: “I can do that.” The second is the day the client will have what you owe them: “I’ll send it Thursday.” The third is your opinion on the part of the job the client asks about, with its reason. For example, a florist can say, “I’d keep the table flowers low, because the guests cannot talk over anything taller than a glass.”
2. Read each sentence for the three marks. Cross out whatever puts you above the client, such as the years or “trust me.” Where a no or an opinion stands without a reason, write the reason in. Where a sentence decides for the client, change it to what you would do.
3. When the client’s idea will hurt the job, say what you would do and why. Then say what it would take to do it their way, with the cost or the time. For example, a photographer can say, “I’d do the family photos at four, because the lawn is in shade by six. If you want them after the toasts, I’d bring lights, which adds $400.”
4. When the client hears your reason and chooses their way, do it their way. Do it as well as you would have done your own. The exception is a job that cannot be done safely or at all. Then say so as a fact, with the reason, and offer what can be done.
5. Give a date you can keep, because a missed date is the sentence from the meeting the client remembers. If the date has to move, tell the client the new date before the old one passes.
6. After the meeting, write down any sentence of yours that had one of the three marks. Next to it, write the direct sentence you will say in its place.

Next: You will see why filling a client’s silence with six more minutes undoes a pitch that was already won.