Add Warmth Through Timing and Attention

Imagine a travel adviser named Thandiwe who plans trips for families. She has three stripped answers on her phone. The one about her experience sounds like a woman who does not care whether she gets the job. Her next call is with Mrs. Brannigan, who wants to take three generations of her family to Japan.

Mrs. Brannigan asks whether Thandiwe has planned a trip like that. “Yes,” Thandiwe says. “Three trips to Japan for families in the last two years.” She says it at the pace she would use to tell a friend when the train leaves. Then she stops at the last word. Then she asks, “Who is coming, and who will be the hardest to please?”

Mrs. Brannigan laughs and talks for two minutes about her father-in-law, who hates hotels and loves trains. Thandiwe asks what he liked best about the last trip the family took together. The call lasts 20 minutes, and Thandiwe speaks for about five of them. Mrs. Brannigan books her, and tells her sister that Thandiwe was the only adviser who asked about her father-in-law.

Nothing Thandiwe said was longer than her stripped answer. The warmth Mrs. Brannigan felt came from two places. One was the pace, which gave her time to take each sentence in. The other was the question, which moved the attention from Thandiwe to the Brannigans. Neither one was a habit from her recording. The smile, the rush, and “absolutely” were her old way of sounding warm, and they cost her authority each time. A slower pace and a question about the client cost her nothing.

A client sizes you up on two separate questions

In 2007, three psychologists, Susan Fiske, Amy Cuddy, and Peter Glick, reviewed the research on how people judge one another. Across many studies, two questions kept coming up. The first is whether this person means me well. The second is whether this person can do what they mean to do. The authors call the two warmth and competence.

Because the two are judged separately, a person can be seen as both. The review found that people seen as both warm and able get the best reaction of all. People seen as one without the other get a mixed one. The studies were about how people judge strangers in general, and the step to a client’s kitchen is the course’s own.

Here is what that means for the habits on your recording. The smile that stayed on and the “absolutely” were reaching for the first question. They were trying to show that you meant well. What they cost was the second question, because to a wealthy client eagerness looks like need. The stripped answer wins the second question back and leaves the first one, whether you mean well, unanswered. The work now is to answer the first question without giving up the second.

People who ask follow-up questions are liked more, and nobody expects it

In 2017, Karen Huang and four colleagues at Harvard published three studies of live conversations. In each one, two people were getting to know each other. People who asked more questions were liked more by the person they talked to. Follow-up questions, the ones that pick up what the other person just said, did the most. When people were told to ask more questions, their partners found them better at listening, understanding, and caring.

The authors also looked at speed dating. The daters who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to get a yes to a second date. Yet people do not expect questions to make them better liked.

So the question is not a trick for seeming warm. The person who asks it is liked because they listened, which is the warmth. Thandiwe’s second question, about the father-in-law’s last trip, is the kind of follow-up question the study counted. It told Mrs. Brannigan that her first answer was heard. The detail a client gives you in reply is also the one you can act on before they ask.

A speech coach says a slower pace looks calm, not unprepared

Jamie Silva, a speech coach in Portland, writes that slowing down is “probably the single most helpful adjustment you can make.” The post lists what happens when a speaker slows down. “You look more calm and in control,” Silva writes. “While many fear speaking slowly looks less prepared and confident, generally the reverse is true.” Fast speech, the post says, “gives the impression you’re trying to get this over with ASAP.”

The post also says what a slower pace does for a pause. A fast speaker who pauses can look lost. By contrast, “an occasional pause blends right in with a measured, deliberate speed.”

Silva’s point is about the second question, the one about ability. The slower pace keeps the authority that the stripped answer won. The reason a slower pace also feels warm is the course’s own, and it is a short one. The rushing on your recording told the client you wanted the answer over with. The same words at a slower pace tell the client you have time for them. That is what Mrs. Brannigan heard before Thandiwe asked anything.

A wedding planner starts every first meeting with questions about the couple

Jessica Dum runs a wedding coordination business in Indianapolis. In a post from 2018, she writes that she started at 24 and “was not 100% confident in selling my services.” She walked out of first meetings “feeling discouraged.” She kept going, and the meeting she describes now starts with the couple.

“It’s easy to jump right in to talking wedding plans when you love what you do,” she writes, “but don’t forget to get to ask a few ice breaker questions first.” Her questions are about the couple, such as how long they have been dating and when they got engaged. “Taking a few minutes to get to know the couple shows not only that you care, but can give you a better glimpse into their personalities and relationship.”

Her questions come before the plans, and yours comes after your answer. Both do the same work. The attention moves to the client, and the client feels it as care. Put yours where Thandiwe put hers, right after the stripped answer, so that the short answer and the warmth arrive together.

Why putting the warmth back as words goes wrong

Imagine a home organizer named Fenella whose stripped answer, to a question about dressing rooms, is “Yes. I did one this size in March.” Said flat, it sounds cold to her. So in her meeting with Mrs. Ekwueme, she warms it up the only way she knows. “Yes, I did one this size in March, and I loved it. Dressing rooms are my favorite kind of room, and I’d be so happy to do yours.”

Mrs. Ekwueme hears the same organizer the recording showed, with one fact at the front. The warmth went back as words, and every one of them was about Fenella. Mrs. Ekwueme says she will think about it, and hires the organizer her sister used.

The warm version of Fenella’s answer is the stripped sentence at a slower pace, and then a question about Mrs. Ekwueme’s room. For example: “Yes. I did one this size in March.” Then, “Which part of the room do you reach for first in the morning?” Nothing about how Fenella feels goes back in.

A slower pace is not a slower meeting

Many wealthy clients are short of time, and a slower pace can feel like spending more of it.

The slower pace goes on a sentence that lasts five seconds. Said slowly, it lasts seven. What used to take the client’s time was the 45 seconds of words you crossed out, and those stay out. Thandiwe’s call ran 20 minutes, and she spoke for five of them. Silva makes the same point about fast speakers: “Talking fast makes it hard to pick the best/most accurate words and phrases. That’s why rapid speakers are often long-winded and repeat themselves.” The slow version is the short one.

How to put warmth back onto your three answers

Take the three stripped answers you kept. Say each one again into your phone, slowly enough that you can hear each word end before the next begins. Stop at the last word, as you did when you stripped it.
For each answer, write one question about the client that the answer leads to. It asks about them or their job, not about you. For example, a personal stylist who said, “Yes. About a third of my clients are men,” can ask, “Where do you spend most of your week, and what do you wear there?”
Say the answer and the question together into your phone, at the slower pace, and stop after the question. Time it against the stripped answer. If it has grown by more than the question, words about you came back, so cross them out.
Decide now that when the client answers your question, you will ask one follow-up about what they said. Only then say anything about yourself. For example, a caterer who hears that the hostess’s mother is coming from Lisbon can ask, “What does she like to eat at home?”
In your next meeting, use the three answers, each with its question. Afterward, write down what the client said in reply, under the client’s name, with the date.

Next: You will practice those answers with someone who makes it harder each time, until the old reflex does not come back.