Stay Composed When a Client's Words Throw You

Imagine a specialist realtor named Marisol Teague who sells houses along the river in her town. Her highest sale so far is $2.6 million. Mr. and Mrs. Whitcombe have asked her to talk about selling their house, which she thinks will list at about $4.2 million. They sit in the study, and Marisol starts on the recent sales along the river.

Halfway down the first page, Mr. Whitcombe stops her. “Before you go on,” he says, “have you ever sold a house at this price?”

Marisol’s face goes hot. “Well, not at four million exactly,” she says, quickly. “But I’ve sold 30 houses on the river, and the Pruitt house went for 2.6, and the buyers at this level are really the same buyers.” Then she adds, “And I’d be glad to do it at 4.5% instead of 5, so you can see what I can do.” She looks back at the page and cannot find her place. Mr. Whitcombe says that they will talk to one more agent. They list the house with an agent from a firm in the city.

Suppose instead that Marisol feels the same heat when Mr. Whitcombe asks. This time she notices what comes with it. She wants to list every sale she has made, and she wants to offer a lower fee. “Giving ground,” she says to herself. She writes “sold at this price?” in her notebook, which takes about two seconds.

Then she looks up. “No. My highest is $2.6 million, two doors down, at the Pruitts’. It sold in 19 days.” She stops there. Mr. Whitcombe nods and says, “Go on.” Marisol goes back to the sales on the first page, where she left off. Her fee stays at 5%, and the Whitcombes list the house with her.

Marisol was thrown both times. What changed was what she did in the seconds after the question. In the first version, she followed the first urge that came. She defended her record before anyone had doubted it, and she gave away part of her fee. The Whitcombes saw both. In the second version, she named the urge, took two seconds that looked like note-taking, and answered with one fact.

So when something a client says throws you, notice the urge before you follow it, and name it to yourself. Take a few seconds that look like listening. Then give a plain answer and carry on from where you were. Here is why naming the urge helps, why hiding it behind a still face does not, and what two professionals’ moments show.

A remark that throws you comes with an urge to do something

What throws a professional is usually something ordinary for a client to say. A question about your experience can do it. So can a remark about your price, or the name of the professional the client used before. So can a correction in front of the client’s partner, or a subject the client raises that you feel strongly about. None of these is unfair for a client to say. What throws you is what the words set off in you.

The feeling arrives with an urge to do something, and what the client sees is whatever you do. The list of urges below is the course’s own:

• Defending yourself, with your record, your training, or your years.
• Giving ground, such as a lower fee or an extra you had not planned to offer.
• Filling the air, with more than the complete answer the question needed.
• Going stiff, with a fixed face and short answers.
• Leaving, whether that means the room or the subject.

Marisol’s two were defending and giving ground. Knowing which come first for you is what lets you catch them in the second before they come out.

Putting a feeling into words takes some of the heat out of it

In 2007, Matthew Lieberman and five colleagues at the University of California, Los Angeles, published a brain-scanning study. People looked at upsetting pictures while the researchers scanned their brains. Some of the time, they put the feeling into words. The rest of the time, they did something else with the pictures.

When people named the feeling, the parts of the brain that react to upsetting pictures reacted less. The amygdala was one of them. A part of the brain at the front became more active, and the more active it was, the less the amygdala reacted. The researchers call this affect labeling.

Those were people looking at pictures in a scanner, and the step to a client meeting is the course’s own. Here is the step. The word you say to yourself after a remark is a small version of what those people did. “Giving ground” puts the urge into words, and an urge with a name is easier to set down than one without.

That word is shorter than the sentence you say to yourself when your heart races at the door. The reason is the course’s own. At the door you have time for a sentence. After a remark, the client is waiting, and a word or two is all that fits.

Hiding the feeling behind a still face is something the client feels

In 2003, Emily Butler and five colleagues at Stanford University published two studies on keeping your feelings from showing. In each study, pairs of women who had not met talked about an upsetting subject. In the first study, one woman in each pair was given an instruction. She was told to keep her feelings from showing, or to respond naturally. Or she was told to think about the subject in a way that made her less upset.

Only hiding the feelings caused trouble. It disrupted the conversation, and the other woman’s blood pressure rose more. In the second study, hiding the feelings also made the woman who hid them feel worse. Her own blood pressure rose too. The two women also got on less well.

Those were strangers talking about an upsetting subject, and the step to a client meeting is the course’s own. Here is the step. A face held still is not hidden from the client. The client may not know what you are feeling. The conversation can still go wrong, as it did for the pairs in the study.

So the aim is not a blank face. The aim is to get back into the conversation. A word to yourself and a few seconds of listening get you there. A clamped jaw only keeps the feeling where the client can sense it.

A New Hampshire designer hears herself wanting to drop her fee, and falls back on rules she made beforehand

Amanda Raymond is an interior designer in New London, New Hampshire. Her firm mostly designs second homes, including a lot of high-end vacation homes. In 2021, she told Business of Home about the first phone call with a new client. On that call, she explains how the firm works and how it expects to be paid.

Sometimes, while she is talking, a thought runs underneath. “I sometimes still have imposter syndrome,” she said. As she states her terms, “in my head I’m going, ‘Oh, I could really do this job for no consulting fee’ because it’s a great portfolio builder.”

What holds her is a decision she made before the call. It took her time, she said, to “know that my business practices are not open for negotiation.” She also has help. “Luckily for me, there are three people in my office,” she said. They remind her, “You made this business practice. Why are we bending it for them?”

Raymond’s urge was giving ground, the same as Marisol’s, and she heard it while she was still talking. What held her was not a decision made in that moment. It was one she had made before. So decide your terms before the meeting, the way you settle the facts that go on your card. Then the urge in the room only asks you to keep a decision, not to make one. Most professionals do not have three colleagues in the office. Raymond’s question can sit on the card instead.

A private chef joined his employers’ political talk, walked out, and heard later what the guest said

In 2018, a private chef told VICE about a dinner party given by the wealthy family he worked for. He did not give his name. By then, he had cooked for the family for 14 years. He sometimes does not fit in, he said, with “the East Coast, well-bred types,” because he tends “to be a little opinionated and a little awkward.”

At the end of the evening, he was cleaning up while the family and their guests were “deep in a political discussion.” He said, “I just piped in and said something about what was being discussed. My boss replied and I walked out of the room.”

After the guest left, his boss told him to be careful about what he said around some people. The guest had said, once the chef was gone, “Who the hell does this guy think he is?”

The chef was an employee of the household, not someone hired for one job. What carries over is the order of what happened. The subject pulled him in, and he spoke before he paused. When his boss replied, he left the room, in front of the whole table. He heard what the guest made of it only afterward.

So a trigger is not only a remark aimed at you. It can be a subject you feel strongly about. The few seconds to buy come before your first word, and leaving is a move the whole table sees.

A few seconds look like listening when your hands are busy with what the client said

A curt email can wait until after your next appointment. A remark across the table cannot. So the wait shrinks to a few seconds, and those seconds have to look like part of the conversation.

The course’s suggestion is to give your hands and eyes something to do with what the client just said. Here is the reason. A client may see you write down their words, or look down at the plan they asked about. That client sees someone thinking about their question. A client who sees you stare, sigh, or laugh it off sees someone who has been hit.

Three ways to buy those seconds are the course’s own:

Write it down. Put the client’s words in your notebook, as Marisol did. It takes two seconds, and it tells the client that the question mattered.

Say it back. Repeat the question in a sentence, the way you would say back what a client told you. “You’d like to know whether I’ve sold at this price.” It buys a few seconds, and the client hears that you understood.

Take one breath. Look at the plan between you and breathe once, the way you would in a quiet after your answer.

Then answer the question with one plain fact, and go back to where you were. If the remark tells you that the meeting itself has turned against you, that is a different problem, with its own moves. Most remarks are not that. They are one question, and they need one answer.

Why holding a straight face goes wrong

Imagine a tutor named Corinne Vasquez who meets Mr. and Mrs. Ellingham about their daughter, Bea, who is 15. Bea has her biology exam in June. Ten minutes in, Mr. Ellingham says, “Her last tutor made no difference at all. So you’ll forgive us if we’re skeptical.”

Corinne has decided that no remark will show on her face. She keeps her face still and says, “Understood.” For the rest of the meeting, she answers in short sentences, and her smile does not move. She does not look at Bea again. Mrs. Ellingham asks whether she has any questions, and Corinne says, “No, I think that covers it.” That evening, Mrs. Ellingham tells her sister that the tutor seemed offended. They hire someone else.

Corinne’s mistake was taking a blank face for composure. She kept the urge from coming out as words, and it came out as stiffness instead. The Ellinghams felt the hour go stiff, the way the conversations went wrong in the Stanford study.

The version that works lets her be thrown and then come back. “Defending,” Corinne says to herself, and she writes “last tutor, no difference” in her notebook. Then she says, “Then you’ll want to see a change early. I send you a note after every session on what Bea can do that she couldn’t do before.” She turns to Bea and asks which topic she dreads most. Bea laughs and says, “All of it,” and Corinne laughs too.

A pause is not a sign that you were caught out

Many professionals worry that a pause after a hard question tells the client they were caught out. If the answer does not come at once, they fear the client will think there is no answer.

The client sees what you do, not what you feel, which is how the feeling of being out of place works too. Marisol’s two seconds of writing were not what the Whitcombes noticed in the first version. They noticed the rush of sales and the fee she gave away. Raymond’s urge to drop her fee stayed in her head while she went on talking. The still face feels like the safe choice. It is the one that the Stanford study found reaches the other person.

How to keep your composure when a client’s words throw you

1. After your next few client meetings, write down anything the client said that threw you. Next to it, write what you wanted to do right after. Use the five urges: defending, giving ground, filling the air, going stiff, or leaving. For example, a florist might write that the bride’s mother said, “We don’t want anything that looks like Pinterest.” She wanted to explain that her work is nothing like Pinterest.
2. Look for the one or two urges that come up most. Give each one a short name to say to yourself, such as “Defending” or “Giving ground.”
3. Before each meeting, decide which terms do not change in the room, and write them on your card with your price. Add Raymond’s question underneath. For example, a personal stylist writes, “$4,500 for the season, paid in two parts. You made this rule. Why bend it for them?”
4. In the meeting, when a remark throws you, say the urge’s name to yourself. Then buy a few seconds. Write the client’s words down, say the question back, or take one breath while you look at the plan. For example, a caterer whose client says, “Our last caterer ran out of food,” writes “ran out” in her notebook.
5. Answer with one plain fact, and stop. For example, a coach who is asked, “Are you even certified?” can say, “No. I’ve coached for 12 years, mostly owners who are selling a business.”
6. Go back to where you were, in the same manner as before the remark. Do not hold your face still or shorten your answers. Do not mention the moment later in the meeting, either. For example, a home organizer goes back to the garage shelves. She finishes the joke she was making about the paint cans.
7. If you are tempted to follow a subject that pulls you in, buy the same few seconds before your first word. Ask yourself whether the subject is part of the job you were hired for. If it is not, let it pass. For example, an event planner whose clients start talking about the mayor goes on setting out the place cards.
8. After the meeting, add the remark and the answer you gave to your list. When the same remark comes again, the answer is already written.

Next: You will see how your feelings about a client’s money, such as awe, envy, or resentment, show in the room. Then you will see what to do about them before they speak for you.